Foot in Mouth Fault

posted by: Lackey

John McEnroe, J.Mac, Jaggoff… will you just shut the fuck up? You ruin every single tennis broadcast that you are allowed/paid to comment on. All you ever do is run your mouth, engage in dick measuring contests with your brother, and undermine all non-American players. You are the Don Cherry of tennis. You are a miserable lout. Ever since Agassi retired and you’ve had no one left on tour to have on-air wet dreams about you’ve taken a turn, from overtly annoying and self-serving to downright deplorable and wholly unbearable. I actually played with my amplifier settings last night to try to mix your arrogant, egotistical comments out of my speakers. Your commentary is inconsistent, you are a band-wagon jumper, you are a fool-hearted patriot. You’re a lousy baseball fan. You are why a lot of the people in the world can’t stand Americans.

In this age of digital signal, HD, 3D specialty channel television, why can’t we choose an alternate audio track for sporting events. A track that would just played the ambient sounds of the arena/stadium and muzzle infuriating clowns like Johnny boy. I can’t fucking take that shit. If that blowhard is in the booth, I’m watching the rest of the Open on mute.

Oh and take Mary Carillo with you. What a snooty annoying horrid woman she is.

Self Defense? Yeah right…

posted by: Lackey

A new weapon of murderous technology has been developed and implemented by Israel:

http://thenational.ae/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100713/FOREIGN/707129834/1002

Spot and shoot.  Wow. Fucking horrible. Now, instead of sending IDF soldiers into Gaza to execute and terrorize Gazans personally, or just bomb the area with white phosphorous, or slowly kill off the Palestinians with unfair and inhuman embargos, Israel can just remotely snipe any Gazan who strays too close to the prison wall, sorry ‘perimeter defence structure’ that dehumanizes Palestinians, sorry, ‘protects’ Israel.

What this weapon is about: It’s basically a remote controlled machine gun mounted on towers that allows Israeli soldiers, mostly women, to gun down unsuspecting Gazans who wander too close to the prison walls.  Is this justifiable defense? Is that woman’s, or any Israeli’s, life in danger cause some dude is close to the fortress like impenetrable wall? No it’s not self defense. It’s not justified.  It’s just wrong.

On the Israeli side of things the ‘soldier’ (FPS video game player) can monitor targets through a video console and then gun then down like any video game.  ‘A playstation mentality to killing’ indeed. But who cares right? Just filthy Arab gentile dogs right?

“The Spot and Shoot system – officially known as Sentry Tech – has mostly attracted attention because it is operated by 19- and 20-year-old female soldiers, making it the Israeli army’s only weapons system operated exclusively by women.  Female soldiers are preferred to operate remote killing devices because of a shortage of male recruits to Israel’s combat units. Young women can carry out missions without breaking the social taboo of risking their lives. The women are supposed to identify anyone suspicious approaching the fence around Gaza and, if authorised by an officer, execute them using their joysticks.”

Awesome, why deny female IDF soldiers the opportunity to kill indeterminately like the boys do eh? Fucking Brutal. Why isn’t taking lives through cowardice a social taboo? Oh yeah, gentile, filthy, dogs, forgot.

Oh, and get this: “Audio sensors on the towers mean that the women hear the shot as it kills the target. No woman, Haaretz reported, had failed the task of shooting what the army calls an “incriminated” Palestinian.” You mean incarcerated Palestinian right? Since they’re behind your wall right? I wonder if these Israeli murderesses get their audio in 7.1 digital surround sound too? You know, for the real video game effect? You fucking cowards.

Does she get Achievement score?

I have a really fucking hard time seeing how sniping unwitting people WITHIN their prison with high powered machine guns, amounts to DEFENSE.  Is shooting fish in a barrel a defensive technique?  Probably in Israel.

The awesome company behind this technology is also developing a similar system for long range missiles  and “an armoured robot-car that can patrol territory at up to 80km per hour, navigate through cities, launch “ambushes” and shoot at targets.” For DEFENSE…. Right.  Sending a robot tank into a prison to shoot prisoners. Defense.  Fuck that.

So yeah coming soon: the same technology in the southern states to blow the heads of Mexicans approaching the States. Do those Mexican represent a threat to America? Not really, they actually do all the manual labour that elite Americans don’t want to pay full price for, you know, service industries, gardening, home care, construction…. They allow rich Americans to get richer on the backs of illegal Mexican labour, but who cares right? The Militia Men will be the first to sign up to test their playstation headshots on Mexicans. Yee haw!

Oh and maybe someday Canada, they can use this technology to keep Natives on their reserves!! Fucking Brilliant! Thanks Israel for the awesome new cowardly way to murder people. You’re awesome.

The Beautiful Fucking Game?

posted by: Lackey

Ways to Improve Soccer.

As the dust settles on the FIFA World Cup Final, I have come up with some ways to improve the ‘beautiful game.

• To promote offense: Two balls in play, at all fucking times.
• To add drama: instead of yellow cards, the referee should threaten the offender with a small, but sharp dagger. Instead of a red card, the referee should chase the player off with an insanely sharp samurai sword.  While not in use the referee shall properly sheathe these weapons for safety reasons.
• Yellow cards (daggerings) result in the offender being sent off for a period of 5 minutes + ball being out of play. This will REALLY punish the offending team.
• If a player remains lying on the pitch for more than three fucking seconds, be it a REAL injury, or a ‘soccer’ injury that player must be removed.  After 5 minutes of game time has elapsed, and if the player has not died as a result of his horribly fucking tragic injury, they can be re-inserted when the ball is out of play.  If you’re not really hurt, get the fuck up you sissy.  This should eliminate all the pathetic flailing about and writhing in false pain that takes so much away from the sport.
• Video fucking replay.
• Move the penalty kick spot back 10 metres.  Make it interesting.
• Allow players to throw the ball in using only one hand. This will contribute to an increase in offense.
• Rename the sport as “Soccer” globally,  as playing the ball with the head/chest is such a valuable skill, the term ‘Football/Futbal’ isn’t accurate.  While we’re at it rename American Football: “Waste of Time” or “NASCAR.”

If FIFA can make this happen I will be pretty fucking impressed.

Is there a Fucking doctor in the house?

posted by: Lackey

Really? For realsky? Doctors should have their own social networking site. It should be called ImWayBetterThanYouBook.com .  I am so sick and fucking tired of doctors flaunting their professions on Facebook.  Fucking thinly veiled backdoor braggery.  Aww, you’re finishing your residency?  You must be smarter than everyone, how awesome for you!  Aww, you had a horrible day doing rounds in the ER?  Zod Damn!  You poor soul, you pathetic Fucking martyr.  Aww, are your elderly patients giving you a hard time? Peanut.  Were those college of medicine tests hard on you… awww… muffin, you wanna talk about it?  You want a soda?  You whiney fucking maggot.  Aww did you suffer a slight inversion of your left talocrural joint resulting in anterior talofibular ligament strain?  No.  You sprained your Fucking ankle you high-browed snobby troll.  The pride is shameful.  The subtle and overt boasting is deplorable.

I guess this braggart like behaviour is ‘symptomatic’ (medicinny word) of people who spend their 20’s and early 30’s completely immersed in medical studies.  They really think that there isn’t much else to life other than their profession.  Seeing as over a third of their lives has been ruled by one field of study.

Thankfully more seasoned doctors, those who have actually have re-discovered lives outside of their professions and edumacation, and TV shows other than ’House’, can actually engage in a informal conversation without mentioning their profession.  Maybe in 10 year today’s residents will also be able to go an entire month without informing the Facebookosphere that they are doctors.  I mean the novelty has to wear off eventually right?

You gotta be Fucking kidding me…

posted by: Lackey

This is fucking unbelievable.  Take the best thing on TV, say BBC nature documentaries, more specifically: the stunningly shot new LIFE series. Now, take the worst thing on TV. No brainer. Clearly: Fucking Borpo.  Now combine them.  Don’t ask why, just fucking do it.  What do you get? A giant Fucking failure, that’s what you get.  Don’t you know that humans absorb more knowledge from narrators who actually know what the sweet fuck they’re talking about? Who better than to narrate the LIFE series than the man who should be everyone’s grandfather.  David Attenborough. Sir David Frederick  Fucking Attenborough.  This guy has made his career edumacating fools on 42.

He studied biology and zoology, he has written countless books on the topic. He once stood motionless in some jungle in South America for 348 hours just so a reclusive sloth (slow-th) would descend from its tree to defecate (deefakate) in his general vicinity. He is the man.

So why go with Fucking Borpo? Cause women listen to her? Cause Americans can’t understand a proper English accent? Cause it’s a ’skool’ of fish and not a ’showl’ of fish? I don’t know.  It’s beyond me, but it’s clearly the worst decision the BBC has ever made.  It’s a skid mark that soils the pursuit of science. It’s a vomitous aroma in the halls of learning.  It’s a horrible fucking mistake.

So to all of you who stole/rented/bought the LIFE series with Fucking Borpo narrating.  I’m truly sorry.  She sounds like a sixth grader doing a piss-poor job bumbling through an essay that  she does not even come close to understanding.  It’s sad. Do yourselves a favour: steal/rent/buy the proper BBC version.  Sit back and let Papa Attenborough walk you through the ways of the world.  You my not win a free car or some another gimmicky prize, but you might actually learn something.

Honestly.

Fuck Baseball

posted by: Camel

OK, after finding out that A-Rod is making some 33 million this year, i have decided to spew as to why I fucking hate baseball, mind you i like playing it, but fuck I’d rather watch midget wrestling than watch 3 hours of fucking nut grabbing, tobacco spitting fatties hit a ball…speaking of hitting balls, in what other sport would you be considered awesome if you had a 30% success rate? hell you could hit 25% of the time in baseball and still be considered pretty good…The season is too fucking long, like 130 games too long, why the fuck are there that many games?… The games are too fucking long as it is, they should reduce it to like 4 or 5 innings…When a fast runner gets on first you have to watch the pitcher throw over to first base like 10 times, fuck off already the odds are against you getting the son of a bitch…These pussies stop playing when it rains, what the fuck can happen? you’re not playing with a metal bat asshole…You can be 200 lbs overweight in this league and still be considered an athlete, so all you couch potato chip eating mother fuckers, don’t give up, you still have a chance to make the bigs ( pun intended)…Managers sitting in the dugout all fucking game occasionally making an appearance like a groundhog on groundhog day are all dressed up in uniform complete with fucking cleats,talk about lame, I long for the day i see Jacques Martin in skates and full hockey gear and helmet coaching from the bench…A substance called Pine Tar can make you a better player…Babe Ruth is considered to be the best of all time, yet he’s about as athletic as Rodney Dangerfield….Double Headers, look if you can play 2 games in one day professionally…your sport ain’t intense enough….Pitchers only have to pitch 1 out of every 5 games, fuck I’d love to make millions and work once a week…Early relievers, middle relievers, designated hitters, the laziest and easiest way to become a pro athlete…7th inning stretch, I shouldn’t have to say more than that, but I will cause I Fucking can, you know why you need to stretch after 7 innings, cause you’ve been falling asleep watching nothing happen for 2 hours, probably digesting your 3 hot-dogs and coke, hell you need a stretch and a joint just to stay awake for 9 innings of that shit…If a player is being intentionally walked, why the fuck does he have to throw 4 balls? I have never seen a pitcher fake out a batter and start throwing strikes…Different rules for different leagues, OK hockey fans, this year the western conference will play on European Ice and the eastern Conference will play without blue lines wtf?…Sub .500 teams make the playoffs…It’s not a team sport, look baseball has pulled off a master con on the world by getting people to believe that it’s a team sport. It’s not. Baseball boils down to Pitcher vs batter, that’s it…..To the fucking announcers, A home run isn’t the second coming of Christ, so stop treating it that way. It’s a ball fueled by a 250lb steroid induced fatty. Yawn. It happens hundreds of times a year, so stop acting like it’s the first time you saw a pair of titties…Going Back to A-Rod for a second, the MLB once gave him the MVP when he played for a team that was 60-102. By saying that he was MVP of the league you are probably saying that they would have gone 12-150 without him, what a joke!…The All-Star game, The home-run derby should be pitched by Randy Johnson, not some 87 year old pitching coach throwing 50mph heat from 20 feet away…Fuck baseball, it’s not bin berry berry good to me…I could go on and on, but fuck it’s the seventh inning in my head and I’m gonna go have a smoke!

Grow it like you Fucking Mean it

posted by: Lackey

That’s not a playoff beard. You wuss. You don’t manicure or trim a playoff beard. You don’t clean up the under chin or upper cheek areas, you half-assed fucker.  Either grow it all out regardless of how much you can actually grow, or keep shaving as usual.  None of this ‘middle of the road’ bullshit.  Fucking fence sitters.  Don’t humour us.  If you make it to the third round and you’re over 26 years old, I don’t want to see your lips.  Have some respect for the playoffs, have some fucking respect for hockey.  I want to see the full-on Kimbo Slice lumberjack beard, complete with neard (neck beard).  You owe us this much.  Fuck.  This guy had it right:

Fuck You and Your Self-Righteous Horseshit

posted by: Average Ape

So, essentially, the best show on TV ever is South Park. They lampoon and satirize everybody, and they rarely if ever miss their mark. They have made fun (in a brilliant and hilarious way) of conservatives, catholics, liberals, atheists, gays, homophobes, environmentalists, scientologists (ok granted that last one is easy, but they had a scientologist on staff who resigned over the episode in question), and almost every ‘ist’ or ‘ism’ you can think of.

So for their 200th episode they celebrated that fact by having Tom Cruise work in a fudge factory as a packer. Tom Cruise, after being offended at being asked how come he’s a fudge packer, sues South Park (the town). In fact, he brings together all the celebrities ever lampooned by South Park to bring a class action lawsuit, which he uses as leverage to force South Park to hand them Mohammed over, because, Mohammed has a special power which prevents him from being made fun of.

That is so awesome on so many levels, I got a chub right now just thinking about it.

You never see Mohammed in the show, just a censored bar or a bear suit.

What do you think happened next? In real life, I mean, not the show.

If you answered some crazy ass muslim turd posted a message online calling for the death of South Park’s creators along with a picture of Theo Van Gogh with a knife in his chest, you win. The turd in question lives somewhere in the US, which begs the question:

Why the fuck, you slimy putrid turd, are you living in the fucking US, if you want to live in Saudi Arabia?

Oh what’s that? Saudi Arabia sucks and the US is awesome? No shit Sherlock. Guess what? Saudi Arabia sucks because its full of turds like you who want to impose extreme religious beliefs on everyone else. For fuck’s sake, Saudi Arabia has a god damned police department for the “Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice” who routinely arrest people for the crime of hanging out with an unrelated member of the opposite sex.

Yes, I get it, somewhere in the desert some weirdo with a beard and funny robes said that it is illegal to draw a picture of Mohammed. Now you get this: I don’t give a flying fuck. Here: this is a picture of Mohammed using only ASCII characters (it’s a Mohamoticon) :

(**)

Ok, that’s not very good, but if I say this is how I draw Mohammed than this is how I draw Mohammed. Come and get me bitch.

How ‘green’ is your love life?

posted by: Cleo1984

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/04/22/eco.friendly.romance/index.html

I kid you not about the title. See? Didn’t I tell you this whole eco thing is a fucking sham. Some dipshit is pandering to the shit-for-brains masses with another self-help-eco book.

What the fuck is a green love life? It’s bullshit, that’s what. The dipshit author gives us an insight into her book, but you’ll have to buy it to get more of the juicy tidbits of useless info:

• Hop on your bike for your next date and leave your car at home. (That means saying “adieu” to long-distance relationships.) –> Really? Your miraculous suggestion will some how end long dist. relationships? Fuck off.

• Stop excessive spending on Valentine’s Day. (It produces way too much trash anyway.) –> Any1 with half a brain wouldn’t buy into the bullshit Hallmark holiday anyway (& I’m a girl) & what’s excessive? A big bill b/c of a diamond or a bunch of cheap tissue paper? Fuck off.

• Wear comfy bamboo underwear. –> umm…cotton is a natural organic product too. & I bet the companies making these “organic” undies have to go through the same process as the ones making the cotton undies. Fuck off.

• Don’t be so keen on having babies. How about adopting a child instead or implementing a one-child policy? –> WHAT THE FUCK??? I totally support adoption but this author is a twit. By the way, this is an American writer who appears to be completely oblivious to the difficulties of adopting through the foster system. Should I adopt internationally then? Oh shit, but I can’t get my kid with my bike! darn it!

So anyway, my rant is to prove that the eco-capitalist shits out there will do anything to make you spend your money on bullshit products, including this book that I would buy only to use as fuel for my fire place, because you know, I don’t like to waste energy by turning on the gas furnace =)

You…You Fucking People

posted by: Lackey

You Plan Changers: Hey asshole, those were the plans that I agreed to.  The old bait and switch is lame. Get a fucking life.  If you have other ideas, bring them up before we all agree to the plan.  Don’t force me to be flexible.  I’m more likely to snap than to bend.

You Wanton Inviters: I invite you, we have plans, you then invite more people? Nuh-uh. No. Foul.  Stop trying to kill my birds with one stone.  You have birds to kill, organize your own fucking stoning.  Stop fucking up my plans.

You Monopoly Rules Introducers:  Oh, is that the way you play? Funny how you waited until just now to bring that up. What are you? 4? Grow the Fuck up.  I can’t believe you’re doing this to me when I let you be the racecar.

You Last Minute Bailers: Sorta guilty of this myself sometimes, it’s happened, and I hate myself when I do it. But, when others do it, I hate them way more.  Bail early: fine. Bail often: sure, whatever.  Bail late: shame.

You Location Switchers: What? It’s over there now? No sorry. I don’t like surprises. You just lost me.

You Early Arriverers:  Oh sorry, yeah I was still vacuuming and tidying up. Why don’t you just sit in your car for 37 more minutes, I’ll come get you when I ready to entertain.

Late Depaturers:  Go Home you miserable sot.  I’m tired.

You Story One-Upperers: Ok I get it, something happened to you, something far cooler than what I’m describing myself, at least let me finish m story before you blow us all away with how much more awesome your fucking life is. You fucking arrogant mung.

Fucking people.