Slow the Fuck Down

posted by: Lackey

Are you fucking serious? I don’t know what put you in that automatic dart cart, and I’m sorry if it is due to some dehabilitating condition, (does not include morbid obesity due to gluttony, laziness and sloth…you fat fuck) but really? Why is it that those that cannot walk around on their own two feet gain the right to speed around in those dangerous carts?

Ma’am, let’s be honest here. You’re pushing what, 400lbs? And that cart of yours? The deluxe cellulauto-parambulator 3000 is what, another 100lbs? So that’s at least 500lbs of fat and machinery weaving in and out of pedestrian traffic at break neck speeds? How many fucking Chihuahuas have you pancaked this week? How many children maimed? Broken shins? Knocked-over garbage cans? Really?

I do believe that you should have a right to mobility. However, I’m happier than shit that your flabomatic can’t take you onto bike trails or anywhere off road.  At least those peaceful spots are safe from the pathetic hum of your girthmobile.  My true concern is the speed at which your fartcart propels you.  Too fast.  Too fucking fast.  Those Lazemobiles should all have a speed governor.  You can’t carry your own weight?  Then you shouldn’t exceed average walking speed: 5km/h.  Actually you know what, how about a generous 6.5km/h.  Considering the speed you’d be able to attain without your fat and jolly trolley I think 6.5 is plenty fair.  Put simply, larger, unstable masses shouldn’t move quicker than average, it makes complete sense.  It’s in the best interest of us all.

If you have a physical disability, paraplegia, or are an amputee, I feel for you, but, it doesn’t change anything.  I’m happy that today’s technology provides you with a mobility solution.  Still, you shouldn’t be careening down sidewalks at speeds surpassing the more than fair 6.5km/h.

In most places it’s illegal to bike, or even rollerblade on sidewalks. Yet, you… you battery powered behemoth are allowed to barrel down walkways like a tiny dense planet.   You are unarguably the most un-aerodynamic thing ever.  You remind me of that giant boulder that chased Indiana Jones out of that cave.  I am nothing but a bowling pin in your rotund fucking presence.   I can’t fucking stand you.  You are an un-tethered flabby wrecking ball.  You are a rolling earthquake.  I don’t even understand how those electro-bariatric pack mules don’t collapse under your immense weight.  It’s fucking mind-blowing.   I’m afraid to ride elevators with you.  I feel safe on escalators though.

Anyways, we can’t leave it up to these obespeed demons to police themselves.  We need to regulate the maximum speed on these things, or more people, dogs, fire hydrants and small cars will pay the price.

Mine

posted by: Lackey

I’m not your fucking mother.  Seriously, didn’t you anticipate needing a pen at this meeting? Fucking tool box.  Yeah, I brought five pens to this meeting, AND a fucking hi-lighter.  They aren’t for you though, shit monkey.  They are for my use.  I like to doodle, draw, waste time.  This is far easier, and more artistic, with a selection of pens covering a range of colours.  If I have to lend you one it takes away from my art.  Art hating fucker.  Get your goddamned shit together you mooch.  Show up prepared.  Grow up.  Leave me the fuck alone.

Ex-head of B’nai Brith Que. jailed for 45DAYS forchildporn – OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM IS UNJUST

posted by: Cleo1984

I need to know what fucking clout this guys has to receive only 45 fucking days in jail for child porn, and to be served on weekends too. WTF?!!?!?!?!?!?  I am SO SO SO angry. This is a fucking perversion of the justice system. It’s a fucking joke and a mockery. This is disgusting and I have no idea how this judge even has a position as one. This is absolute bullshit.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2010/12/09/bnai-brith-director-surkis-child-pornography-sentence.html

The highlights folks:

• Justice Céline Lamontagn sentenced Bill Surkis 71, former director of B’nai Brith Quebec, to 45 days in jail after he pleaded guilty to child pornography charges – the lightest possible sentence to be given under the law.

• Will serve his time on weekends – because, you know, heaven forbid we jail a perverted child porn enthusiast for a FULL CONSECUTIVE 45 days. GASP!!!!!!

• Justice Céline Lamontagne – she is a shame to all women who have made progress for other women because of the sentencing she’s given this pervert.

• Admitted to downloading about nine hours of videos of sexual acts involving girls under the age of 16, out of curiosity – I’m curious too, about A LOT of things. You know what, I can understand him being curious about porn in general, maybe the Mrs just doesn’t have it in her anymore, but how the flying fuck to justify acting upon your curiosity for child porn??? HEY CHILD MOLESTERS OUT THERE, ACT UPON YOU CURIOSITY AND CANADIAN LAW WILL PROTECT YOU!!!

• Part of the deal, Crown dropped a charge of distributing child pornography & recommended 45-day sentence, the minimum allowed under the law – LOL!!! The Crown! The fucking Crown! ‘nuff said.

• In 2008, explicit files were discovered on Surkis’s computer when he brought it in for repairs, found 86 videos and 153 photos, including images of girls aged six to 12 years – speaks for itself.

• Surkis’s lawyer said in November 2009 that the videos were downloaded for research reasons – yes, what interesting research this was…hmm, so is it curiosity or research which is it you dipshit pervert piece of shit?

• Judge decided not to add Surkis’s name to the national sex offender registry – yes, because it’s enough that he has to serve 45 days on the weekend

Foot in Mouth Fault

posted by: Lackey

John McEnroe, J.Mac, Jaggoff… will you just shut the fuck up? You ruin every single tennis broadcast that you are allowed/paid to comment on. All you ever do is run your mouth, engage in dick measuring contests with your brother, and undermine all non-American players. You are the Don Cherry of tennis. You are a miserable lout. Ever since Agassi retired and you’ve had no one left on tour to have on-air wet dreams about you’ve taken a turn, from overtly annoying and self-serving to downright deplorable and wholly unbearable. I actually played with my amplifier settings last night to try to mix your arrogant, egotistical comments out of my speakers. Your commentary is inconsistent, you are a band-wagon jumper, you are a fool-hearted patriot. You’re a lousy baseball fan. You are why a lot of the people in the world can’t stand Americans.

In this age of digital signal, HD, 3D specialty channel television, why can’t we choose an alternate audio track for sporting events. A track that would just played the ambient sounds of the arena/stadium and muzzle infuriating clowns like Johnny boy. I can’t fucking take that shit. If that blowhard is in the booth, I’m watching the rest of the Open on mute.

Oh and take Mary Carillo with you. What a snooty annoying horrid woman she is.

Self Defense? Yeah right…

posted by: Lackey

A new weapon of murderous technology has been developed and implemented by Israel:

http://thenational.ae/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100713/FOREIGN/707129834/1002

Spot and shoot.  Wow. Fucking horrible. Now, instead of sending IDF soldiers into Gaza to execute and terrorize Gazans personally, or just bomb the area with white phosphorous, or slowly kill off the Palestinians with unfair and inhuman embargos, Israel can just remotely snipe any Gazan who strays too close to the prison wall, sorry ‘perimeter defence structure’ that dehumanizes Palestinians, sorry, ‘protects’ Israel.

What this weapon is about: It’s basically a remote controlled machine gun mounted on towers that allows Israeli soldiers, mostly women, to gun down unsuspecting Gazans who wander too close to the prison walls.  Is this justifiable defense? Is that woman’s, or any Israeli’s, life in danger cause some dude is close to the fortress like impenetrable wall? No it’s not self defense. It’s not justified.  It’s just wrong.

On the Israeli side of things the ‘soldier’ (FPS video game player) can monitor targets through a video console and then gun then down like any video game.  ‘A playstation mentality to killing’ indeed. But who cares right? Just filthy Arab gentile dogs right?

“The Spot and Shoot system – officially known as Sentry Tech – has mostly attracted attention because it is operated by 19- and 20-year-old female soldiers, making it the Israeli army’s only weapons system operated exclusively by women.  Female soldiers are preferred to operate remote killing devices because of a shortage of male recruits to Israel’s combat units. Young women can carry out missions without breaking the social taboo of risking their lives. The women are supposed to identify anyone suspicious approaching the fence around Gaza and, if authorised by an officer, execute them using their joysticks.”

Awesome, why deny female IDF soldiers the opportunity to kill indeterminately like the boys do eh? Fucking Brutal. Why isn’t taking lives through cowardice a social taboo? Oh yeah, gentile, filthy, dogs, forgot.

Oh, and get this: “Audio sensors on the towers mean that the women hear the shot as it kills the target. No woman, Haaretz reported, had failed the task of shooting what the army calls an “incriminated” Palestinian.” You mean incarcerated Palestinian right? Since they’re behind your wall right? I wonder if these Israeli murderesses get their audio in 7.1 digital surround sound too? You know, for the real video game effect? You fucking cowards.

Does she get Achievement score?

I have a really fucking hard time seeing how sniping unwitting people WITHIN their prison with high powered machine guns, amounts to DEFENSE.  Is shooting fish in a barrel a defensive technique?  Probably in Israel.

The awesome company behind this technology is also developing a similar system for long range missiles  and “an armoured robot-car that can patrol territory at up to 80km per hour, navigate through cities, launch “ambushes” and shoot at targets.” For DEFENSE…. Right.  Sending a robot tank into a prison to shoot prisoners. Defense.  Fuck that.

So yeah coming soon: the same technology in the southern states to blow the heads of Mexicans approaching the States. Do those Mexican represent a threat to America? Not really, they actually do all the manual labour that elite Americans don’t want to pay full price for, you know, service industries, gardening, home care, construction…. They allow rich Americans to get richer on the backs of illegal Mexican labour, but who cares right? The Militia Men will be the first to sign up to test their playstation headshots on Mexicans. Yee haw!

Oh and maybe someday Canada, they can use this technology to keep Natives on their reserves!! Fucking Brilliant! Thanks Israel for the awesome new cowardly way to murder people. You’re awesome.

The Beautiful Fucking Game?

posted by: Lackey

Ways to Improve Soccer.

As the dust settles on the FIFA World Cup Final, I have come up with some ways to improve the ‘beautiful game.

• To promote offense: Two balls in play, at all fucking times.
• To add drama: instead of yellow cards, the referee should threaten the offender with a small, but sharp dagger. Instead of a red card, the referee should chase the player off with an insanely sharp samurai sword.  While not in use the referee shall properly sheathe these weapons for safety reasons.
• Yellow cards (daggerings) result in the offender being sent off for a period of 5 minutes + ball being out of play. This will REALLY punish the offending team.
• If a player remains lying on the pitch for more than three fucking seconds, be it a REAL injury, or a ‘soccer’ injury that player must be removed.  After 5 minutes of game time has elapsed, and if the player has not died as a result of his horribly fucking tragic injury, they can be re-inserted when the ball is out of play.  If you’re not really hurt, get the fuck up you sissy.  This should eliminate all the pathetic flailing about and writhing in false pain that takes so much away from the sport.
• Video fucking replay.
• Move the penalty kick spot back 10 metres.  Make it interesting.
• Allow players to throw the ball in using only one hand. This will contribute to an increase in offense.
• Rename the sport as “Soccer” globally,  as playing the ball with the head/chest is such a valuable skill, the term ‘Football/Futbal’ isn’t accurate.  While we’re at it rename American Football: “Waste of Time” or “NASCAR.”

If FIFA can make this happen I will be pretty fucking impressed.

Is there a Fucking doctor in the house?

posted by: Lackey

Really? For realsky? Doctors should have their own social networking site. It should be called ImWayBetterThanYouBook.com .  I am so sick and fucking tired of doctors flaunting their professions on Facebook.  Fucking thinly veiled backdoor braggery.  Aww, you’re finishing your residency?  You must be smarter than everyone, how awesome for you!  Aww, you had a horrible day doing rounds in the ER?  Zod Damn!  You poor soul, you pathetic Fucking martyr.  Aww, are your elderly patients giving you a hard time? Peanut.  Were those college of medicine tests hard on you… awww… muffin, you wanna talk about it?  You want a soda?  You whiney fucking maggot.  Aww did you suffer a slight inversion of your left talocrural joint resulting in anterior talofibular ligament strain?  No.  You sprained your Fucking ankle you high-browed snobby troll.  The pride is shameful.  The subtle and overt boasting is deplorable.

I guess this braggart like behaviour is ‘symptomatic’ (medicinny word) of people who spend their 20’s and early 30’s completely immersed in medical studies.  They really think that there isn’t much else to life other than their profession.  Seeing as over a third of their lives has been ruled by one field of study.

Thankfully more seasoned doctors, those who have actually have re-discovered lives outside of their professions and edumacation, and TV shows other than ’House’, can actually engage in a informal conversation without mentioning their profession.  Maybe in 10 year today’s residents will also be able to go an entire month without informing the Facebookosphere that they are doctors.  I mean the novelty has to wear off eventually right?

You gotta be Fucking kidding me…

posted by: Lackey

This is fucking unbelievable.  Take the best thing on TV, say BBC nature documentaries, more specifically: the stunningly shot new LIFE series. Now, take the worst thing on TV. No brainer. Clearly: Fucking Borpo.  Now combine them.  Don’t ask why, just fucking do it.  What do you get? A giant Fucking failure, that’s what you get.  Don’t you know that humans absorb more knowledge from narrators who actually know what the sweet fuck they’re talking about? Who better than to narrate the LIFE series than the man who should be everyone’s grandfather.  David Attenborough. Sir David Frederick  Fucking Attenborough.  This guy has made his career edumacating fools on 42.

He studied biology and zoology, he has written countless books on the topic. He once stood motionless in some jungle in South America for 348 hours just so a reclusive sloth (slow-th) would descend from its tree to defecate (deefakate) in his general vicinity. He is the man.

So why go with Fucking Borpo? Cause women listen to her? Cause Americans can’t understand a proper English accent? Cause it’s a ’skool’ of fish and not a ’showl’ of fish? I don’t know.  It’s beyond me, but it’s clearly the worst decision the BBC has ever made.  It’s a skid mark that soils the pursuit of science. It’s a vomitous aroma in the halls of learning.  It’s a horrible fucking mistake.

So to all of you who stole/rented/bought the LIFE series with Fucking Borpo narrating.  I’m truly sorry.  She sounds like a sixth grader doing a piss-poor job bumbling through an essay that  she does not even come close to understanding.  It’s sad. Do yourselves a favour: steal/rent/buy the proper BBC version.  Sit back and let Papa Attenborough walk you through the ways of the world.  You my not win a free car or some another gimmicky prize, but you might actually learn something.

Honestly.

Fuck Baseball

posted by: Camel

OK, after finding out that A-Rod is making some 33 million this year, i have decided to spew as to why I fucking hate baseball, mind you i like playing it, but fuck I’d rather watch midget wrestling than watch 3 hours of fucking nut grabbing, tobacco spitting fatties hit a ball…speaking of hitting balls, in what other sport would you be considered awesome if you had a 30% success rate? hell you could hit 25% of the time in baseball and still be considered pretty good…The season is too fucking long, like 130 games too long, why the fuck are there that many games?… The games are too fucking long as it is, they should reduce it to like 4 or 5 innings…When a fast runner gets on first you have to watch the pitcher throw over to first base like 10 times, fuck off already the odds are against you getting the son of a bitch…These pussies stop playing when it rains, what the fuck can happen? you’re not playing with a metal bat asshole…You can be 200 lbs overweight in this league and still be considered an athlete, so all you couch potato chip eating mother fuckers, don’t give up, you still have a chance to make the bigs ( pun intended)…Managers sitting in the dugout all fucking game occasionally making an appearance like a groundhog on groundhog day are all dressed up in uniform complete with fucking cleats,talk about lame, I long for the day i see Jacques Martin in skates and full hockey gear and helmet coaching from the bench…A substance called Pine Tar can make you a better player…Babe Ruth is considered to be the best of all time, yet he’s about as athletic as Rodney Dangerfield….Double Headers, look if you can play 2 games in one day professionally…your sport ain’t intense enough….Pitchers only have to pitch 1 out of every 5 games, fuck I’d love to make millions and work once a week…Early relievers, middle relievers, designated hitters, the laziest and easiest way to become a pro athlete…7th inning stretch, I shouldn’t have to say more than that, but I will cause I Fucking can, you know why you need to stretch after 7 innings, cause you’ve been falling asleep watching nothing happen for 2 hours, probably digesting your 3 hot-dogs and coke, hell you need a stretch and a joint just to stay awake for 9 innings of that shit…If a player is being intentionally walked, why the fuck does he have to throw 4 balls? I have never seen a pitcher fake out a batter and start throwing strikes…Different rules for different leagues, OK hockey fans, this year the western conference will play on European Ice and the eastern Conference will play without blue lines wtf?…Sub .500 teams make the playoffs…It’s not a team sport, look baseball has pulled off a master con on the world by getting people to believe that it’s a team sport. It’s not. Baseball boils down to Pitcher vs batter, that’s it…..To the fucking announcers, A home run isn’t the second coming of Christ, so stop treating it that way. It’s a ball fueled by a 250lb steroid induced fatty. Yawn. It happens hundreds of times a year, so stop acting like it’s the first time you saw a pair of titties…Going Back to A-Rod for a second, the MLB once gave him the MVP when he played for a team that was 60-102. By saying that he was MVP of the league you are probably saying that they would have gone 12-150 without him, what a joke!…The All-Star game, The home-run derby should be pitched by Randy Johnson, not some 87 year old pitching coach throwing 50mph heat from 20 feet away…Fuck baseball, it’s not bin berry berry good to me…I could go on and on, but fuck it’s the seventh inning in my head and I’m gonna go have a smoke!

Grow it like you Fucking Mean it

posted by: Lackey

That’s not a playoff beard. You wuss. You don’t manicure or trim a playoff beard. You don’t clean up the under chin or upper cheek areas, you half-assed fucker.  Either grow it all out regardless of how much you can actually grow, or keep shaving as usual.  None of this ‘middle of the road’ bullshit.  Fucking fence sitters.  Don’t humour us.  If you make it to the third round and you’re over 26 years old, I don’t want to see your lips.  Have some respect for the playoffs, have some fucking respect for hockey.  I want to see the full-on Kimbo Slice lumberjack beard, complete with neard (neck beard).  You owe us this much.  Fuck.  This guy had it right: